I'm sitting here in bed. Door shut and locked. So many things are going through my head.
Right now is an extremely hard time in my life. You see, while I have 2 wonderful boys who love me unconditionally... I have a husband who does not. We have been together for 16 years and he is done with me. So, here I sit. In our bed wondering what I did that was so horrible to make him not love me anymore after 16 wonderful years. Have I changed? Yes. Im no longer the beautiful woman with the killer body he met. I'm fat. I am no longer the somewhat healthy person he married. I am sick. But never have I ever stopped loving him no matter the changes in him. So, why has he stopped loving me?
Last month I walked away from my entire family. He watched. He knew then he was no longer in love with me and that this marriage would be ending. So, who do I turn to? Not my mother. Not his mother. And not my father. You see, My father took his own life at the age of 37. I will be 35 in a mere 3 weeks. The closer I get to his age, the more I wonder why he took his own life. I did not have any contact with him for most of my life for reasons that change depending on who you speak to. Some blame him, some blame my mother. Was he battling depression like I am? Was his world shattered by someone like mine is now? What was he thinking the moment before thinking was no longer an option?
I have said for many years that it is a miracle that I am as sane as I am with the DNA that was handed to me. My mother is crazy as a loon and thinks everything is about her. My father was allegedly a wife beater who ended up committing suicide. Then there is me... the product of the 2. So often I have sat back and been thankful that maybe all of that got skipped over me. That it skipping me is what saved me in all those years of abuse from my mother. Now, at almost 35 years old.... I see it. More than that, I feel it. On the table beside me is a bottle of Ambien and a bottle of muscle relaxers. And I am staring at them. Wondering if they alone are enough to end this pain I am in. The only thing stopping me is the thought that it wont be enough and i'll survive.
I cannot keep living like this. He wants me to change. Show him I still love him, but he questions every change. I try to do things like we used to before this disease took over, and im told im faking it. If I get angry at the situation, im acting like my mother. If I say nothing, im being childish. So.... What now? What do I do now?
To be continued................