Friday, February 15, 2013

Part 2

Part 2.....

So, we left off at me getting married, having Thing 1 and finding out I have severe Hypothyroidism.

They started me on Synthroid, a low dose. Nothing. No help at all! You see, your TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) number should be between 3-10. Mine was 285. Yep... no lie. Within 6 months they had me on the highest dosage of Synthroid and I felt a difference in my mood and energy. Weight loss, pfffftttttt.

Next thing you know, Thing 1 is 15 months old and i'm pregnant again. It was totally unexpected since the doctors (3 of them) had informed me I couldnt have anymore kids. Thing 1's birth almost killed me, so I was from the beginning a high risk pregnancy. Thing 1 was 3 weeks early and weighed 9lbs 11oz (emergency c-section), so Thing 2 from the beginning was closely monitored. Once again, I was having a big baby. The doctor sat hubs and I down and informed us that me trying to have him naturally, it was a 80% chance I wouldnt make it this time. So the c-section was planned for July 18th. What happens at 2am July 18th? Yep... My water breaks and im immediately thrown into labor. C-section went well, but Thing 2 was not well. He had a hole in one of his lungs and the other wasnt developed. When he breathed, his chest would collapse. I have never been so afraid in my life as I was when the NICU nurse came to tell me he may not make it through the night. Long story short, he made it against all odds and is healthy and strong now 10 years later.

My surgeries....
In February 05, I had to have my gallbladder removed. Fun stuff I tell you. It would have been fine if the doctors in the hospital werent total assholes. Not to me... but to each other. 5 days I was in the hospital. CRAZY! 4 months later... Abdominal hernia surgery. 6 months after that... I had to have nose surgery. When Thing 1 was 3, he broke my nose playing. I hate doctors, so I reset it myself. No worries. HA! I did it wrong and A bone was growing where it shouldnt have and was poking at my brain. Dangerous stuff.

All of those surgeries led me to be extremely lazy. I was so terrified of needing more surgeries, I became a hermit. I constantly forgot my thyroid meds so the weight just piled on and piled on.

When the Crohns diagnosis came, my mental health suffered. I just couldnt understand how someone could be this sick and still be this fat. Why? Why couldnt I lose the weight during flares like everyone else? I still dont fully understand, but one fact remains..... I was lazy. I didnt TRY to lose weight. I just went to bed every night hoping and praying the weight loss fairy would show up and I would wake up back in the body I so desperately want.

About 2 weeks ago I sat on my bedroom floor in tears. This is NOT who I am. This is NOT who I want to be. I want my life back. I know that things will never be the same. I wont go back to being healthy. Crohns is with me for life. But I wont let it or my thyroid beat me down anymore. I want to be around for my kids, my amazingly supportive husband.... ME. So, I joined a gym. I have done this before. Ive joined a gym before. But less than a week into it, I found excuses not to go. I wasnt ready to take my life back.

I am 2 weeks into this new lifestyle and im 6 lbs down. Its tough. My fat is fighting back... yelling at me... begging me to stop the torture. This time is different. This time im yelling back.....

Stay tuned for weekly updates of this journey to find myself and to lose this weight that has been given its eviction notice!


So, over the past few days I have had so much running through my head. I am trying so incredibly hard to lose this weight that has attached itself to me like a leach. I have been busting my ass at the gym. Here is what I have learned...

  • The weight did not just show up one day. It took a long time to attach itself to me, why would it leave me so quickly?
  • As much as I have tried, I am NOT the person I once was who could go balls to the wall at the gym and still feel good. 
  • I. Have. Crohns. 
  • I cannot do the ab machines I want to do... things can and will rip and/or tear. 
  • I. Have. Crohns. 

3 Days ago I did something I should not have. In my head, I knew better. I did. But I did it anyway. This is my normal routine at the gym

  • 20 minutes on the treadmill
  • 20 minutes on the sitting down stationary bike
  • 20 minutes on the spin class type bike
  • Legs or Arms machines
  • Low weight Ab machine
3 days ago... I changed something. I didn't like that the weight wasn't coming off as quickly as I wanted. So I increased the time on the treadmill. I increased the intensity of both bikes. I increased the machines. I. Increased. The. Weight. On. the. Ab. Machine. 

Bad... Bad decision. The soreness from working out is painful, but in a good way (though sitting on the toilet has been a challenge). 

Yesterday, I spent all day crying and begging for mercy for the pain in my stomach. As soon as I upped the weight on the ab machine, I knew it was wrong. I did it anyway. And I felt a tear. I got off the machine and hit the floor. Went to the locker room so hubs wouldn't see, locked myself in the stall.... And cried. And cried. And cried. Came home with a fake smile on my face, climbed in the shower, and cried. I took every med I had to numb everything. I ended up early in the night taking my ambien and going to bed. Woke up yesterday and couldn't move from the pain. I laid in bed ALL DAY. I couldn't even get up to get my kids off to school, they did it on their own. By night time I had taken 2 ambien just to get some rest. What did I do today? Went back to the gym. After 10 minutes on the treadmill, tears were pouring down my face. So hubs had me try the elliptical since its low impact. Again... searing pain. I ended up doing the sitting down bike a a gentle pace. And still... Pain. The right side of my abdomen is swollen visibly. And with as large as I am, that's saying something. I'm terrified of what I have done to myself all because I wasn't losing weight as quickly as I would like. 

What I want you all to take from this is the following

  • Speak to your physician of any exercises you SHOULD NOT DO with Crohns. 
  • Take it slow, build up to getting yourself back
  • Do NOT feel bad because you cannot do what others can. Its not your fault. 
  • Low weight, more reps. 
  • And above all... Be comfortable with who you are. 

No matter if you have trouble losing weight or putting on weight. Its a struggle. But as long as you are happy, that is all that truly matters. 

Now, if you will all excuse me, I have some muscle relaxers and ambien to take.....