Friday, March 22, 2013

You were gonna do WHAT?

You're head hurts? Whatever...............

So, I'm used to having headaches. I've had them for 20 years now, no biggie. Only this one, this one was different. And because it was different, it worried me. I have taken fioricet for years and 85% of the time it works. I tried anything and everything to get rid of this headache. Had heating pads on my neck for most of the days. Found myself not even being able to get out of bed for about 2 weeks. Then I decided it was time to go to the ER. 

    Have I mentioned my hatred for our hospital here? Well, it sucks.... I go in with a migraine that has lasted over 3 weeks and they send me over to the express care attached to the hospital. Apparently I was not as bad as I thought if they weren't keeping me in the ER part. 
    So, the doc comes in... Well, NOT a doctor but a PA. Nope, not even bad enough to see a doctor. MUST just be in my head, im not sick. They give me a shot in the butt for the headache. I don't know what it was, but never again! I thought I would crawl out of my skin and was driving my hubs crazy! They do a CAT scan.... PA comes in looking all confused telling me that the radiologist says I have spots  (3 of them) on my brain but since im only 34 I shouldn't be worried. They gave me a pat on the back and sent me on my way... Nothing for the headache. Nothing. 

    A week goes by and still no relief. So, I go to my doctors office to try to get a referral to a neurologist. My doctor didn't listen to me at all. I was trying to tell him about the neck pain, the nausea and vomiting  the complete mood change, the tiredness. He listened to NOTHING! By the time I left the doctors office, I felt worse than ever. I was seriously thinking I had made all this up and that even my insomnia was made up. 
    A few days later when hubs went back to work, I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor with every pill bottle I had which included a fresh prescription for ambien, and contemplated if it were enough to just make it all end. I was done. I wasn't thinking of my kids. Or my husband. Or anyone. Just me and my pain. I couldn't take it anymore. The pain was unmanageable. I sat there and cried and puked and cried some more. 
    I would love to tell you all the reason I didn't was I thought of my family... Or how it feels to be on the opposite end of suicide. You see, my father committed suicide when he was only 4 years older than myself. I know the other end of suicide. Its not pretty. You never get questions answered on why. But there I sat with all my meds wondering if this would get me out of my misery or just make things worse by it not being enough to kill me. 
    Through all this time, i'm pissing people off online. Some of which im sorry for. Some of which I am not. I left an amazing group of people whom I love like family because I just couldn't deal with anything else. I was ignoring family. I was on a downward spiral that I couldn't seem to get out of. My kids were suffering. My husband was suffering. And I wasn't answering the phone for anyone, including my own mother. I just couldn't deal with it. But I did what I do best and put on my happy face. Smiled when people needed me to. Made obnoxious jokes as everyone expects from me. But somehow, someone whom I have only known for a year who lives across the country, saw through it all. I don't think even she knows what she stopped. 
    Cue 2 days ago... Someone on my FB page suggested I might have Meningitis. I sat there and stared at my screen wondering. So, I went to a friend to look for me so that I wouldn't freak out thinking im dying. And she came back with some interesting stuff. Like as in ALL my symptoms were there in black and white. So, I did what I do best.... pissed people off. I called my doctors and flipped out. It worked. Got tested and BAM results came back as Viral Meningitis. Im basically on house arrest and so thankful that no one in my house got it. 

    Now, im on medication and praying it works. I dont want to go back to that hospital cause im pretty sure someone in my family will snap that they missed it. I also don't ever want to have the suicidal feeling ever again. The pain is still there. But knowing it has a name... a treatable name, makes it somewhat bearable.