Realization

So, over the past few days I have had so much running through my head. I am trying so incredibly hard to lose this weight that has attached itself to me like a leach. I have been busting my ass at the gym. Here is what I have learned...

• The weight did not just show up one day. It took a long time to attach itself to me, why would it leave me so quickly?
• As much as I have tried, I am NOT the person I once was who could go balls to the wall at the gym and still feel good. 
• I. Have. Crohns. 
• I cannot do the ab machines I want to do... things can and will rip and/or tear. 
• I. Have. Crohns. 

3 Days ago I did something I should not have. In my head, I knew better. I did. But I did it anyway. This is my normal routine at the gym

• 20 minutes on the treadmill
• 20 minutes on the sitting down stationary bike
• 20 minutes on the spin class type bike
• Legs or Arms machines
• Low weight Ab machine

3 days ago... I changed something. I didn't like that the weight wasn't coming off as quickly as I wanted. So I increased the time on the treadmill. I increased the intensity of both bikes. I increased the machines. I. Increased. The. Weight. On. the. Ab. Machine. 

Bad... Bad decision. The soreness from working out is painful, but in a good way (though sitting on the toilet has been a challenge). 

Yesterday, I spent all day crying and begging for mercy for the pain in my stomach. As soon as I upped the weight on the ab machine, I knew it was wrong. I did it anyway. And I felt a tear. I got off the machine and hit the floor. Went to the locker room so hubs wouldn't see, locked myself in the stall.... And cried. And cried. And cried. Came home with a fake smile on my face, climbed in the shower, and cried. I took every med I had to numb everything. I ended up early in the night taking my ambien and going to bed. Woke up yesterday and couldn't move from the pain. I laid in bed ALL DAY. I couldn't even get up to get my kids off to school, they did it on their own. By night time I had taken 2 ambien just to get some rest. What did I do today? Went back to the gym. After 10 minutes on the treadmill, tears were pouring down my face. So hubs had me try the elliptical since its low impact. Again... searing pain. I ended up doing the sitting down bike a a gentle pace. And still... Pain. The right side of my abdomen is swollen visibly. And with as large as I am, that's saying something. I'm terrified of what I have done to myself all because I wasn't losing weight as quickly as I would like. 

What I want you all to take from this is the following

• Speak to your physician of any exercises you SHOULD NOT DO with Crohns. 
• Take it slow, build up to getting yourself back
• Do NOT feel bad because you cannot do what others can. Its not your fault. 
• Low weight, more reps. 
• And above all... Be comfortable with who you are. 

No matter if you have trouble losing weight or putting on weight. Its a struggle. But as long as you are happy, that is all that truly matters. 

Now, if you will all excuse me, I have some muscle relaxers and ambien to take.....