What now?

I'm sitting here in bed. Door shut and locked. So many things are going through my head. 
Right now is an extremely hard time in my life. You see, while I have 2 wonderful boys who love me unconditionally... I have a husband who does not. We have been together for 16 years and he is done with me. So, here I sit. In our bed wondering what I did that was so horrible to make him not love me anymore after 16 wonderful years. Have I changed? Yes. Im no longer the beautiful woman with the killer body he met. I'm fat. I am no longer the somewhat healthy person he married. I am sick. But never have I ever stopped loving him no matter the changes in him. So, why has he stopped loving me? 

Last month I walked away from my entire family. He watched. He knew then he was no longer in love with me and that this marriage would be ending. So, who do I turn to? Not my mother. Not his mother. And not my father. You see, My father took his own life at the age of 37. I will be 35 in a mere 3 weeks. The closer I get to his age, the more I wonder why he took his own life. I did not have any contact with him for most of my life for reasons that change depending on who you speak to. Some blame him, some blame my mother. Was he battling depression like I am? Was his world shattered by someone like mine is now? What was he thinking the moment before thinking was no longer an option? 

I have said for many years that it is a miracle that I am as sane as I am with the DNA that was handed to me. My mother is crazy as a loon and thinks everything is about her. My father was allegedly a wife beater who ended up committing suicide. Then there is me... the product of the 2. So often I have sat back and been thankful that maybe all of that got skipped over me. That it skipping me is what saved me in all those years of abuse from my mother. Now, at almost 35 years old.... I see it. More than that, I feel it. On the table beside me is a bottle of Ambien and a bottle of muscle relaxers. And I am staring at them. Wondering if they alone are enough to end this pain I am in. The only thing stopping me is the thought that it wont be enough and i'll survive. 

I cannot keep living like this. He wants me to change. Show him I still love him, but he questions every change. I try to do things like we used to before this disease took over, and im told im faking it. If I get angry at the situation, im acting like my mother. If I say nothing, im being childish. So.... What now? What do I do now? 

To be continued................

You were gonna do WHAT?

You're head hurts? Whatever...............

So, I'm used to having headaches. I've had them for 20 years now, no biggie. Only this one, this one was different. And because it was different, it worried me. I have taken fioricet for years and 85% of the time it works. I tried anything and everything to get rid of this headache. Had heating pads on my neck for most of the days. Found myself not even being able to get out of bed for about 2 weeks. Then I decided it was time to go to the ER. 

    Have I mentioned my hatred for our hospital here? Well, it sucks.... I go in with a migraine that has lasted over 3 weeks and they send me over to the express care attached to the hospital. Apparently I was not as bad as I thought if they weren't keeping me in the ER part. 

    So, the doc comes in... Well, NOT a doctor but a PA. Nope, not even bad enough to see a doctor. MUST just be in my head, im not sick. They give me a shot in the butt for the headache. I don't know what it was, but never again! I thought I would crawl out of my skin and was driving my hubs crazy! They do a CAT scan.... PA comes in looking all confused telling me that the radiologist says I have spots  (3 of them) on my brain but since im only 34 I shouldn't be worried. They gave me a pat on the back and sent me on my way... Nothing for the headache. Nothing. 

    A week goes by and still no relief. So, I go to my doctors office to try to get a referral to a neurologist. My doctor didn't listen to me at all. I was trying to tell him about the neck pain, the nausea and vomiting  the complete mood change, the tiredness. He listened to NOTHING! By the time I left the doctors office, I felt worse than ever. I was seriously thinking I had made all this up and that even my insomnia was made up. 

    A few days later when hubs went back to work, I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor with every pill bottle I had which included a fresh prescription for ambien, and contemplated if it were enough to just make it all end. I was done. I wasn't thinking of my kids. Or my husband. Or anyone. Just me and my pain. I couldn't take it anymore. The pain was unmanageable. I sat there and cried and puked and cried some more. 

    I would love to tell you all the reason I didn't was I thought of my family... Or how it feels to be on the opposite end of suicide. You see, my father committed suicide when he was only 4 years older than myself. I know the other end of suicide. Its not pretty. You never get questions answered on why. But there I sat with all my meds wondering if this would get me out of my misery or just make things worse by it not being enough to kill me. 

    Through all this time, i'm pissing people off online. Some of which im sorry for. Some of which I am not. I left an amazing group of people whom I love like family because I just couldn't deal with anything else. I was ignoring family. I was on a downward spiral that I couldn't seem to get out of. My kids were suffering. My husband was suffering. And I wasn't answering the phone for anyone, including my own mother. I just couldn't deal with it. But I did what I do best and put on my happy face. Smiled when people needed me to. Made obnoxious jokes as everyone expects from me. But somehow, someone whom I have only known for a year who lives across the country, saw through it all. I don't think even she knows what she stopped. 

    Cue 2 days ago... Someone on my FB page suggested I might have Meningitis. I sat there and stared at my screen wondering. So, I went to a friend to look for me so that I wouldn't freak out thinking im dying. And she came back with some interesting stuff. Like as in ALL my symptoms were there in black and white. So, I did what I do best.... pissed people off. I called my doctors and flipped out. It worked. Got tested and BAM results came back as Viral Meningitis. Im basically on house arrest and so thankful that no one in my house got it. 

    Now, im on medication and praying it works. I dont want to go back to that hospital cause im pretty sure someone in my family will snap that they missed it. I also don't ever want to have the suicidal feeling ever again. The pain is still there. But knowing it has a name... a treatable name, makes it somewhat bearable. 

Part 2

Part 2.....

So, we left off at me getting married, having Thing 1 and finding out I have severe Hypothyroidism.


They started me on Synthroid, a low dose. Nothing. No help at all! You see, your TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) number should be between 3-10. Mine was 285. Yep... no lie. Within 6 months they had me on the highest dosage of Synthroid and I felt a difference in my mood and energy. Weight loss, pfffftttttt.

Next thing you know, Thing 1 is 15 months old and i'm pregnant again. It was totally unexpected since the doctors (3 of them) had informed me I couldnt have anymore kids. Thing 1's birth almost killed me, so I was from the beginning a high risk pregnancy. Thing 1 was 3 weeks early and weighed 9lbs 11oz (emergency c-section), so Thing 2 from the beginning was closely monitored. Once again, I was having a big baby. The doctor sat hubs and I down and informed us that me trying to have him naturally, it was a 80% chance I wouldnt make it this time. So the c-section was planned for July 18th. What happens at 2am July 18th? Yep... My water breaks and im immediately thrown into labor. C-section went well, but Thing 2 was not well. He had a hole in one of his lungs and the other wasnt developed. When he breathed, his chest would collapse. I have never been so afraid in my life as I was when the NICU nurse came to tell me he may not make it through the night. Long story short, he made it against all odds and is healthy and strong now 10 years later.

My surgeries....
In February 05, I had to have my gallbladder removed. Fun stuff I tell you. It would have been fine if the doctors in the hospital werent total assholes. Not to me... but to each other. 5 days I was in the hospital. CRAZY! 4 months later... Abdominal hernia surgery. 6 months after that... I had to have nose surgery. When Thing 1 was 3, he broke my nose playing. I hate doctors, so I reset it myself. No worries. HA! I did it wrong and A bone was growing where it shouldnt have and was poking at my brain. Dangerous stuff.

All of those surgeries led me to be extremely lazy. I was so terrified of needing more surgeries, I became a hermit. I constantly forgot my thyroid meds so the weight just piled on and piled on.

When the Crohns diagnosis came, my mental health suffered. I just couldnt understand how someone could be this sick and still be this fat. Why? Why couldnt I lose the weight during flares like everyone else? I still dont fully understand, but one fact remains..... I was lazy. I didnt TRY to lose weight. I just went to bed every night hoping and praying the weight loss fairy would show up and I would wake up back in the body I so desperately want.

About 2 weeks ago I sat on my bedroom floor in tears. This is NOT who I am. This is NOT who I want to be. I want my life back. I know that things will never be the same. I wont go back to being healthy. Crohns is with me for life. But I wont let it or my thyroid beat me down anymore. I want to be around for my kids, my amazingly supportive husband.... ME. So, I joined a gym. I have done this before. Ive joined a gym before. But less than a week into it, I found excuses not to go. I wasnt ready to take my life back.

I am 2 weeks into this new lifestyle and im 6 lbs down. Its tough. My fat is fighting back... yelling at me... begging me to stop the torture. This time is different. This time im yelling back.....

Stay tuned for weekly updates of this journey to find myself and to lose this weight that has been given its eviction notice!

Realization

So, over the past few days I have had so much running through my head. I am trying so incredibly hard to lose this weight that has attached itself to me like a leach. I have been busting my ass at the gym. Here is what I have learned...

• The weight did not just show up one day. It took a long time to attach itself to me, why would it leave me so quickly?
• As much as I have tried, I am NOT the person I once was who could go balls to the wall at the gym and still feel good. 
• I. Have. Crohns. 
• I cannot do the ab machines I want to do... things can and will rip and/or tear. 
• I. Have. Crohns. 

3 Days ago I did something I should not have. In my head, I knew better. I did. But I did it anyway. This is my normal routine at the gym

• 20 minutes on the treadmill
• 20 minutes on the sitting down stationary bike
• 20 minutes on the spin class type bike
• Legs or Arms machines
• Low weight Ab machine

3 days ago... I changed something. I didn't like that the weight wasn't coming off as quickly as I wanted. So I increased the time on the treadmill. I increased the intensity of both bikes. I increased the machines. I. Increased. The. Weight. On. the. Ab. Machine. 

Bad... Bad decision. The soreness from working out is painful, but in a good way (though sitting on the toilet has been a challenge). 

Yesterday, I spent all day crying and begging for mercy for the pain in my stomach. As soon as I upped the weight on the ab machine, I knew it was wrong. I did it anyway. And I felt a tear. I got off the machine and hit the floor. Went to the locker room so hubs wouldn't see, locked myself in the stall.... And cried. And cried. And cried. Came home with a fake smile on my face, climbed in the shower, and cried. I took every med I had to numb everything. I ended up early in the night taking my ambien and going to bed. Woke up yesterday and couldn't move from the pain. I laid in bed ALL DAY. I couldn't even get up to get my kids off to school, they did it on their own. By night time I had taken 2 ambien just to get some rest. What did I do today? Went back to the gym. After 10 minutes on the treadmill, tears were pouring down my face. So hubs had me try the elliptical since its low impact. Again... searing pain. I ended up doing the sitting down bike a a gentle pace. And still... Pain. The right side of my abdomen is swollen visibly. And with as large as I am, that's saying something. I'm terrified of what I have done to myself all because I wasn't losing weight as quickly as I would like. 

What I want you all to take from this is the following

• Speak to your physician of any exercises you SHOULD NOT DO with Crohns. 
• Take it slow, build up to getting yourself back
• Do NOT feel bad because you cannot do what others can. Its not your fault. 
• Low weight, more reps. 
• And above all... Be comfortable with who you are. 

No matter if you have trouble losing weight or putting on weight. Its a struggle. But as long as you are happy, that is all that truly matters. 

Now, if you will all excuse me, I have some muscle relaxers and ambien to take..... 

The weight loss journey begins.... The back story

Here we go... My Journey from beached whale to healthy. Growing up, I was always the skinny one. Hit puberty and became the hot one cause I grew boobs. And not small ones mind you. I started battling my weight at 15 years old. And it wasn't really a battle, but a maintain. You see, I was a pageant kid. No.. Not the Honey Boo Boo pageants. I would have chewed my arm off first. I was raised to be a singer and that is what I did in pageants. I was the one no one wanted to compete against. Not bragging, but it was flattering and showed me I was good at something. But to win in pageants, you have to have the looks even though you have the talent. So, I worked hard to maintain my figure.

Cue the big move from my home. I was born and raised in Tennessee and loved it! My friends were there. My life was there. But step-dad got an amazing job offer and off we went to Orlando, Florida. When you speak all country, people like to make fun of it. When you are dark complected with almost black hair and dark brown eyes in a city full of hispanics, you get yelled at a lot for not speaking Spanish because apparently I was supposed to Hispanic (i'm Native American). I was never bullied, dont get me wrong. But it was a huge struggle. The move was really hard on me. I finally just stopped trying. I didn't gain a whole lot of weight, but I did gain.

Cue the move from Central Florida to North Florida... I had already signed up for the Air Force when my mom decided she was moving 2.5 hours away. I didn't move with her. I didn't WANT to leave another home. But after about a month, I gave in. Again, I was in a new city where I knew NO ONE! Only this time I was out of school, so I couldn't just meet new people easily. About 3 months after this move, I had gained 20 pounds and was leaving for Boot Camp. THAT took the weight off pretty quickly. But of course.. While in Tech School with the Air Force, I got sick and got a medical discharge.

Cue meeting hubs and starting a family...

I met hubs a month after leaving the military. We fell in love almost right away. Got married a year later. 1.5 years after that, Thing 1 makes his entrance. I had bad complications during childbirth. That story is for another day.. So, 5 months later I am tired all the time. I cried at everything. My hair was falling out. Finally saw a doc and told I had a severe case of Hypothyroidism and I was lucky to be alive much less not weighing 500 lbs. And the enormous weight gain starts........ Stay tuned for more of the story to how I got where I am now...